The Great Devourer vs. Chell vs. The Inquisitor
On board an Imperial Star Destroyer... Emperor Palpatine: This ship is soooo drab. Vader wouldn't let me onto the Executor while my office on Coruscant was being renovated. "Security reasons," he said. Guhh! Royal Guard: But Emperor, this is the UCS Star Destroyer, the first of its kind since 2002. It's been seventeen years since then. Palpatine: I know, but why am I forced to stay on a standard-issue warship for as long as I can't be in my office? And why aren't those fools building my next Death Star fast enough? Royal Guard: It takes a lot of time. It took nearly nineteen years to build the first one, and only like two for the second one. Which number is this one again?... Yes, this one's our 31st one. Wow, thirty-one's a big milestone. Reminds me of Baskin-Robbins. Palpatine: I get free catering from there. What else could a Sith Lord ask for? Royal Guard: Front-row seats to The Mandalorian red carpet show? Palpatine: That's a Disney+ show. But yeah, I'm booked for that event. By the way, who's in it to win it this time? Royal Guard: Well, Boba Fett's become even more beautiful after escaping from the Sarlacc pit- Palpatine: That's nice. Who else? Royal Guard: Sabine Wren- Palpatine: She's a rebel spy. Next. Royal Guard: And, uh, Jango- Palpatine: Wait, what? Jango's here? I thought Windu got him on Geonosis! Royal Guard: It's that weird ARFP continuity thing again. Palpatine: Oh hey, speaking of ARFP, what's going on over there this time? Royal Guard: Well, Amset-Ra realized his mistake and laid off both AntiMatter from his announcer role and Frenzy from his, uh... health inspector role. Also, Invizable protested and got out of janitor duty. He somehow got Tee-Vee to do it instead. Now Invizable's writing another season announcer contract for Season 4. Palpatine: Ha, like that's gonna happen. No, I meant what's going on with the fights? Royal Guard: Some of the biggest names, such as THE MIDGARD SERPENT, the Grundalychus, and AntiMatter have all lost fairly early, and their mad scientist Dr. Inferno is in the finals. Also, Thanos lost. Palpatine: Good. I'm not gonna lose half the Empire to him again. Especially... Shing! Palpatine: ...since I have his Infinity Gauntlet up here. ???: You WHAT?! Darth Vader runs in. Darth Vader: You really have the Infinity Gauntlet? The same one that can snap half of everyone out of existence? Palpatine: Yeah, that one. Also, they say it can't work outside of its own universe. But this is ARFP; anything goes. Royal Guard: Guys... Darth Vader: In that case, maybe we should scrap the next Death Star and use this instead. Royal Guard: Guys! Palpatine and Darth Vader: What do you want? Royal Guard: It's a prop I ordered off Brickmart's online site. The Infinity Gauntlet snaps half of itself out of existence... and so do the 1,800 credits Palpatine bid to buy it. Palpatine: Back to the drawing board, I guess... Darude's Sandstorm plays over the Decibel speakers as Amset-Ra takes the stage. (Yes, they have a stage now. Something to do with the renovations they did with their less-than-no budget.) Amset-Ra: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid! Normally this thing is done by Wyldstyle, but she had a big heart and helped alleviate AntiMatter from his janitor role. I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time, but I must be pretty bold to make a big-time supervillain a menial janitor! The audience laughs. Amset-Ra: Unfortunately, that leaves us with no janitor. Sir Fangar and Pythor balked when I asked them, and besides, I think they're better off at the cafeteria. At the cafeteria... Sam Rhodes: You call this "mayonnaise"?! Pythor: Of courssssse. Sir Fangar: It is gloooooriously derived from Dilophosaurus milk and tediously mixed with only the finest and most gloooorious pickles and tartar sauce from the woodlands north of Astor City. Sam Rhodes: ...You make mayonnaise from dinosaur milk. No wonder why it looks like camel spit. Pythor: You sssshould hear where we get the meat for our Rock n Roll hamburgersssss! Back at the match... Amset-Ra: However, I'm pleased to announce that I have plans to bring back Ogel as our new janitor! Dr. Inferno: Wouldn't that be a little difficult? Last I checked, he's up in his private space station. Amset-Ra: I can bribe him. Don't worry. *anime wink* Dr. Inferno: *anime sweatdrop* Amset-Ra: And now, Wyldstyle will take it away! Wyldstyle: Right then! It looks we've got a full house once again! Maybe our ratings will rise above zero this time! Amset-Ra: Eh, I wouldn't count on it. Wyldstyle: But Amset... THANOS was in the last battle. Amset-Ra: And he LOST. Wyldstyle: But look who's back! It's the Season 2 Round 3 contender, The Great Devourer! Tormak: He's grrrrreat! The Great Devourer: Ain't that the truth. Wyldstyle: And he's in the Red Corner, by the way. Dr. Inferno: Unprofessionalism abounds... Amset-Ra: Tell me something I don't know. Dr. Inferno: Something you don't know, huh? Well, since you presented that request to the genius who lives I your basement who hasn't had a decent role since Season 1, you asked for it! Amset-Ra: Please. After the battle. Wyldstyle: Sure! You can teach us about portals and stuff, courtesy of Chell in the Green Corner! Chell: About time I spoke! Portal 2's developers never bothered to give me any lines. Like, at all! Amset-Ra: Be careful what you say. GLaDOS is in the audience. Chell: Um... Isn't GLaDOS just artificial intelligence? Amset-Ra: She somehow got an android body. GLaDOS: My audio sensors are detecting trace increments of slander. Amset-Ra: Eh, you're just hearing things, Gladdie. GLaDOS: I am GLaDOS, the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. You will address me as such. Emmet: Ooh! I like a girl with sass! Wyldstyle: WATCH IT. The Inquisitor: I am the Grand Inquisitor, highest ranking of the Inquisitorius, and contender in the Yellow Corner. Wyldstyle: I was GOING to introduce you in a moment— The Inquisitor: But you always end up going on wild tangents. Amset-Ra: He's got a point... Hey, does anyone know who today's predictor and referee are going to be? Chell: Wait, you don't think these things out ahead of time?! Amset-Ra: We have a tight budget, which means we can't really afford a schedule. Eh, I'll just be both at once. The Great Devourer looks like it could win. It made it to Round 3 last season. Suddenly the Batmobile crashes through the wall and Lando Calrisian steps out. Lando: You're forgetting something. Amset-Ra: Oh, right! The User of the Week is Surtatb2007, who has joined he ARFP Discord server! Lando: There's also the Minifigure of the Week. Amset-Ra: Sensei Wu, cause why not. Now let's fight! BZHNNnn... Chell: Cutting to the chase now, are we? The Great Devourer: YOU WOULD HAVE ME CHASSSSE YOU? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOOOOVE MOVING PREY. ALSO, NICE POPSICLE. CRUNCH. YAZIZIZIZIZIZIZIZIZIZ Amset-Ra: Sound guy, after 142 battles, I'm thoroughly convinced that that's no longer an electric sound effect. Try something like "CZXCZXCZXCZXCZXCZX". It rolls off the tongue better. Sound Guy: Got it! Wyldstyle: Great Devourer tried to eat the Inquisitor's lightsaber, but instead got a mouthful of electricity! How... shocking. Ba dum tish! The Inquisitor: That's Grand Inquisitor. Lunge! Chell: Uh, uh, what setting is it? Which is it? Oh, found it! Vorp! The Inquisitor: Please. I sensed that from a mile away. You think I'm not Force-sensitive? Chell: The Force? That sounds cool. What's that? Shove! The Inquisitor: That. Vorp! Wyldstyle: Wow! Chell tried to create a portal to teleport the Inquisitor somewhere, but he shoved her into her own portal! Only time will tell where she ended up! Chell: Can someone explain why I'm on top of this giant snake? The Great Devourer: I PROBABLY SSSSSHOULDN'T BE PLAYING WITH MY FOOD. The Inquisitor: That would be most wise. LUNGE KERBLAM! The Inquisitor: Foolish, not to mention pitiful. Chell: Hey, are you not aware of the legend this guy has, Inquisitor? The Inquisitor: His name is meaningless. He has yet to devour the legacy of the Empire. The Great Devourer: OH, BUT I CAN? CARE TO SSSSSSAMPLE MY VENOM OF DARKNESSSSS? The Inquisitor: Don't start with me. The Great Devourer: WHY NOOOOT~? YOU'RE THE MOSSSSST CONVENIENT MORSEL. The Inquisitor: Want to see something cool? Amset-Ra: Hey... You're breaking character. The Inquisitor: So are the other competitors. What difference does it make? Amset-Ra: ...Eh, you're right. In the stands... Seventh Sister: Guhh, why can't I find a decent seat anywhere? Fifth Brother: It's the price you have to pay for having Amset-Ra's entire army filling in all the vacant seats to fabricate consistent sellouts. Eighth Brother: Scammers. Fifth Brother: Hey, the Grand Inquisitor seems to be struggling against that giant snake. Think we should help? Seventh Sister: And get him DQ'd? Absolutely not! The Great Devourer: I SSSSSENSSSSE YOUR COMPANIONSSSSS CONSSSSSPIRING AGAINSSSSST ME. The Inquisitor: The Emperor's been keeping tabs on the Pyramid for quite some time now. He knows that interference is allowed based on Amset-Ra's mood. Amset-Ra: As much as I want to see four Inquisitors against a snake and a girl with a portal gun, the Great Devourer's already taking up half the stands as it is. We don't need interference today. The Inquisitor: Very well. I didn't need their assistance anyway. The Great Devourer: WHAT A SSSSSHAME. I WASSSSS HOPING FOR A BUFFET. OH WELL. The Inquisitor: Oh, you'll get one... just not the one you're hoping for. Chell: Don't forget about me! The Great Devourer: GET OFF MY HEAD! ShakeShakeShake Chell: WHOOOOAAA- Slam. Wyldstyle: TGD shook Chell off his head, and she landed in front of the Inquisitor! Chell: Anyone got the number of that truck...? The Inquisitor: Yes. It's "Let me have your portal gun thingy." Swipe! Chell: Isn't that theft? SECURITY! GLaDOS: One of the rules for this place states as follows: "We are not liable for any manner of theft that will inevitbly occur on the premises, be it by a fighter, the staff, or otherwise." Chell: Buzz off! GLaDOS: Okay. She sprouts insect wings on the back of her android body and flies away. The Great Devourer: YOU PESSSSSTSSSSS ARE EASSSSILY DISSSSTRACTED, AREN'T YOU? The Inquisitor: I've slain beasts more fearsome than you can imagine. Vshnvshnvshnvshnvshn-'' ''ZASH! CRUNCH! The Great Devourer: YOUR DOUBLE-BLADED LASSSSSER POPSSSSSICLE WASSSSS MOSSSST DELICIOUSSSSS. The Inquisitor: Do you crave dessert? The Great Devourer: THE ONE NAMED CHELL WOULD BE ULTIMATELT SSSSATISSSSFYING. Chell: Nrgh... what...? The Inquisitor: Bon appetit. VOOSH! Vorp! CRUNCH! The Great Devourer: YOU DECCCCEIVED ME. The Inquisitor: No I didn't! Wyldstyle: The Inquisitor threw Chell into the TGD's mouth, but it seems she created a portal to save herself! Now she's behind the Inquisitor! The Inquisitor: How may times do I have to tell you it's Grand Inquisitor? GRAND! Also, you really should reveal others' strategies to me. Chell: *small wave* Hi. P-o-r-t-a-l B-l-a-s-t-! The Inquisitor: This isn't funnyyyyyy! Chell: Ha! It totally is! You should hear your own voice as you're falling for infinity! Amset-Ra: You took the words right out of my mouth... The Great Devourer: SSSSPEAKING OF MOUTH... CRUNCH. Amset-Ra: Good. Inquisitor's out. I didn't really care for him. Seventh Sister: I heard that! Wyldstyle: While the Inquis- Grand Inquisitor was falling forever thanks to the portals that Chell set up, the Great Devourer ate him! The Great Devourer: CARE TO JOIN HIM? Chell: Thanks, but... I'll pass. By pass, I mean pass the baton on to my new friend. Come on out, Fierce Flame! Wyldstyle: Wait, what? Amset-Ra: She's a guest character who hasn't appeared since the hundredth battle celebration, if I recall correctly. She's allowed. The Inquisitor: Hypocrisy at its finest. The Great Devourer: YOU'RE SSSSTILL NOT DIGESSSSTED YET? The Inquisitor: Force resistance or whatever. Don't judge me. The Great Devourer: CURSSSSE YOU, DIGESSSTIVE JUICCCCCESSSS, FOR NOT WORKING FASSSST ENOUGH! Frenzy: Did someone say JUICE????????????????? Fierce Flame: Nope. And enough with the pointless cameos. That's a new rule now. Amset-Ra: Exactly. Chell: Go, Fierce Flame! The Great Devourer: INTERFERENCCCCE. THISSSS ONLY GOESSSS TO PROVE YOUR WEAKNESSSSS. Chomp! Fierce Flame: Ha, missed me! The Great Devourer: I SSSSHOULD HAVE WON BY NOW. I'M LOOKING AT ANOTHER ROUND THREE APPEARANCCCCCE. Chell: Too bad. You already got to be in Round Three. This is only my debut. At least let me win! Pleeeeeease? I'll give you my portal gun! The Great Devourer: I DON'T NEED ONE. Fierce Flame: Time to power my special attack... The Great Devourer: YOU'RE TOO PREDICTABLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LEAN DOWN AND EAT YOU-- Vorp! Fierce Flame: Aaaaahhhh-- Sizzle! The Great Devourer: OUT OF CURIOSSSSITY, WASSSS THAT SSSSUPOSSSSED TO HURT? Fierce Flame: Whoooooooaaaa... Crash! Wyldstyle: And there goes the Fierce Flame! After charging a fireball in her hands (totally not a Kamehameha ripoff), Chell fired a portal underneath her to confuse the giant snake. While she did singe his back, she rolled off and out of the ring! Chell: You know what I didn't realize? I can build stuff! CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK Amset-Ra: I think we're overusing the caps lock feature here! Dr. Inferno: I'll make sure to tone it down in post-editing! Chell: All done! This is my Mega Portal Thingy Sample Text 3000 Totally Not Ripped Off From AntiMatter! Dr. Inferno: Adding "3000" to an invention name is way too cliche. Amset-Ra: Said the guy who named his giant laser cannon "Mega Laser Cannon Thingy 3000 Insert Text Here Totally Not Ripped Off From Darth Vader". Dr. Inferno: Touche. Chell: MPTS3000TNROFA, activate! Dr. Inferno: You even abbreviated it?! Wow, you're smarter than me now! Chell: I practice. VORP SOUND EFFECT TOTALLY NOT COPYWRITTEN! The Great Devourer: NOOOOOOO-- ORIGINAL PORTAL SOUND EFFECT DO NOT STEAL! Amset-Ra: And with that, I declare Chell to be the winner! Chell: You know what? I didn't even need the Fierce Flame's help. Fierce Flame: I heard that... Amset-Ra: Though, I'm curious about one thing. Wyldstyle: What's that? Amset-Ra: What was on the other side of that giant portal? Lord Vortech is sipping a cup of coffee. Lord Vortech: So boooored... He swipes a tablet to see that there is some activity going on in LEGO City. Lord Vortech: Hm? That's odd... Vorp! He looks around to see that emergency teams are everywhere. Lord Vortech: What's going on? Emergency Personnell: A man has fallen into the river in LEGO City! Except it's not so much a man, and more of a giant snake of some sort! ???: HEY! Vortech turns to see another emergency personnell approach. Emergency Personnel: You're not supposed to be back here. We set up these police lines for a reason! Lord Vortech: But I know what you're supposed to do to save the Great Devourer! Emergency Personnel: What? Tell me! Lord Vortech: Build the helicopter and off to the rescue! Prepare the lifeline, lower the stretcher, and make the rescue! Emergency Personnel: Eh, wouldn't hurt. Except there's one problem with that. Lord Vortech: What? Emergency Personnel: How do you expect us to fit a two-hundred-foot-long snake onto a stretcher? Lord Vortech: *shrugs* Hey, that's your problem, not mine. Emergency Personnel: Also, aren't you that interdimensional alien overlord from LEGO Dimensions? Lord Vortech: Uh... Meow? ???: HEY! The air is filled with police sirens. Lord Vortech: Go bug someone else. This city is overrun with crime as is. Also, the Great Devourer's eating people again. Your people. Police Officers: ... Lord Vortech: ... Police Officers: HEY! They rush off to stop the Great Devourer who is still in the river and still eating people. The Great Devourer: MAYBE I SSSSSHOULD DIP THEM IN THE RIVER FIRST. IT'SSSS LIKE THE WORLD'SSSSS GREATESSSST DIPPING SSSSAUCCCCE. Lord Vortech: The new emergency collection from LEGO City! And yes, that was product placement. See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle. How much did you enjoy The Great Devourer vs. Chell vs. The Inquisitor? 1 (Least) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (Most)